I’d like to introduce you to my tredmill

Now that my monster is growing up (2 yrs)  he sometimes has tendancies to push, shove, scream, slam doors and rip up important papers. Here he is..no he isnt cute!

Although this recently calmed down when i decided to give him a 1.5 non stop walking session on the tredmill. Sure he enjoyed it at first, but then the enjoyment soon died down once i explained to him he wasnt coming off.

I merely gave him a little talking to about how poking someone in their eye wasn’t appropriate and secretly spilling water behind the curtains just for fun meant DISCIPLINE!

Were big fans of discipline and its nice to know that i’v helped parents regain their discipline skills with a more stricter approach. 

Ok. Lets take you through a step by step guide of “The Tredmill”.

Step 1. When monster try’s to act clever seize the moment has an opportunity

No he shouldnt be sat in the wordrobe..

or on the kitchen tops..

Step 2. Place monster on tredmill, resist the puppy dog eyes look, its all an act! or the “Sowie fawa” usual line.

Step 3. According to severity of havoc caused choose the level of running the child has to do.

Step 4. Allow the child to run for approx 15 minutes, sweating and signs of exhaustion are always a plus

Step 5. Point to the area destroyed and say one sharp “NO!!!”.

Step 6. Switch off tredmill, sit back and relax

Happy disciplining folks..and remember there only monsters with snotty noses and evil minds!

Feel free to post any other strategies you may have developed, most importantly have fun YOUR in control

p.s i love him really

Fazy xxx

Usually everyone is named after some meaning thats precious/beautiful/boring/mushy/crap…but who can put their hands up and say YES! i was named after a Charlies Angel??!!

Because i know i was pow pow!

My mum has always loved Farrah Fawcett, her legendary tousled hair and bright radiant  smile, best known for her role in Charlies Angels who she played Jill Monroe. It was around the same time her very famous swimsuit poster was released. It went on to sell a record breaking still-unrivaled 12 million copies. She is a noted pop figure whose hairstyle was emulated by millions of young women, and a sex symbol for millions of young men in the 1970s and 1980s. My mum also supported her curley wavey hairstyle at the time as did many of the other elders in my extended family, i found that funny because there always shouting at us young ones about our hair, they did it themselves when they were young!!

Farrah was originally named Ferrah. Farrah is an arabic word meaning “Joy”. Ferrah later changed it to Farrah.

I also know in Latin Farrah means Wild Ass? Thats definetly me then!

I would like to imagine that whilst mum was giving birth to me, charlies angels was on in the back ground and farrah was busting out some moves on the baddies. And im thinking mum thought i was going to come out with big almond eyes, a lovely beautiful cute face, curley hair, stunning figure…well.(long pause)..i didnt!  I was however, one of the ugliest babies in my family but i would like to think that im sorta ok looking lol…dnt write me off i aint that bad!….iv got the curley black hair though! woo

I was on my way back home yesterday, sat on the train and  i saw a picture of Farrah Fawcett, the title read “Farrah Fawcett terminally ill with cancer”. Farrah was diagnosed with rectal cancer in 2006 and is currently undergoing treatment and chemotherapy. However, saturday 4th April Farrah had been rushed to a hospital several days earlier, where she was unconscious and in critical condition. I thought this was really sad, and im sure lots of you have probably noticed the increase of people dying because of cancer. But neway thanfully she’s not at deaths doors, she’s still in good spirits, with her usual sense of humour. Get well soon Farrah!

Fazy

Ok now to business. Its that time of the year again, where everyone comes to the library to revise?. Now the library can be a magical place, iv always enjoyed a good read or the delicious creamy hot chocolates that only taste nice at exam time. But sometimes  i get so baffled by the little shananigans and secret meetings that happen at late hours…and if you look in the right corners? book shelfs? disabled toilets!! 1 might be blinded by the events that unfold there..i’l say no more.

Slightly random, but i was sat in the library one day watching lots of different groups of people doing their work and decided to come up with names of people who regularly attend the library: ENOJOY!

So firstly you got your straight up fancy dress “iv come to revise in my tea towel skirt and bib low cut top” girls. These girls have only come for one reason and one reason only and revising aint it…no its for ATTENTION..from who?…weil come to that in the next group. Back to the hoes group, i hate em. Absolutely drive me crazy, there loud ass comments, rating any guy that goes passed, screaching and laughing for no reason and they somehow manage to wear the carpet out by prancing up and down with their pathetic heels and arses hanging out..why?….go home girl…LIBRARY aint no place for bimbos!

This is a difficult one but im afraid its the “check me out playing hang man, you can see my boxers hanging out my jeans i drive to uni” kinda boys. They wink and stare at any girl that walks by and if you dare to look back they’l be on you like a pack of wolves and the usual line “So you studying late night?”…..erm duh no i just come to arse around??! purleeezz

Boys and girls but its “The Gossipers”. I happily have lots of friends, boys and girls but say IF …george for example said “hey fazy lets go get a hot chocolate”. It does not necessarily mean that george is asking me on a date, were not trying to flirt with each other, im not making a statement, trying to impress anyone or stealing anybodies partner!..im just going for a hot flippin chocolate! but unfortunetly some twit (girl or boy) will be watching like an awk and before you can say “eff that for a laugh!”, the event of going for a hot chocolate with george alone, will be known to 5 people within minutes…eeeee. (shakes head)

The loosers Group- Waste of space, i wont name particular courses that these loosers reside in but i think you know who i mean. Well anyway a complete waste of time, playing hang man on the white board, writing their own name and  doing pathetic old skool doodles which at times they can be fasinated by and annoyingly the hoe group love? grow up - get out of uni you 26 year old sad ****

The Geeks who live in basement – The real freaks who just want the 1st degrees, no time for talking. Suprisingly, they live in the basement, apparently its quieter?

The usuals – the ones who live in the library, they’l be there alll dayy, wherever you go you’l see them, but are they doing work? noooooo der effin around…but they seem to get some pleasure in just (oh this is a new one which i heard recently) “chill in the library???”...lets go and “chill in the library” he says…”have fun” he says…wota total..LOOSER!

Then theres me..i duno what group i like being in but its defintly The funky group , see to me library is about working, dont get me wrong i hava laugh, buti dont dress up to go library, i dont go to impress girl/guy, i dont arse around on facebook for 2 hours, i dont chit chat bollocks with the loosers or the usuals. I do ma shit and im out.

Fazy

Just a couple ov things really i’l try to keep it short bt a lot ov you have asked me to update and im lik arghhh i got no time..bt yay i managed to find time at 2.18am.

Firstly…are you ready for this? Iv put weight on!!! lik half a stone, i went completely downhill when i started uni this term, in other words i lukd lik shit!..bt yestaday i felt my face a litle chubbier?!cos i bin cookin at home…lik students should doo!! So i ran upsters and jumped on the scale and there it was 7 stone! lol..i dint wana freak anyone out by tellin them before that i was gettin critically ill..i was nearly 5 and a half stone! Pants were falling off…sisters clothes started to fit..and nearly EVERYONE was havin ago at me. 

Whats wrong with me? No really im not normally like this, bt i really do have the giggles at the moment, like i feel more happier and jollier…i av a skip in my walk, the birds sing near my window, and i somtimes wana randomly break out in to “Woke up this morning feeeeling ffinneee!” dat flippin Halifax advert with the catchy yet cheesy tune!…its just weird. Like im being compensated by the Lord for the times i was down.  Whatever it is…its gd! Happy, Smiler, or gd ol Fazy Is back!

Ok just to clarify, im not crying..its the wind!!! Lots ov you av texd/facebukd me or stopped me to ask me why i walk the streets crying??! at first i was lik wahh? but im not crying, its just my eyes are really sensitive, so when its cold and the wind hits my face…the tears cum out! So im nt crying…it usually happens when im walkin to uni and by the time i get to lecture, eyeliners all ova the show and ders tears and snot everywher! :D But no…i mean i cry..but in my own time lol bt not on my way to lecture

My water craze. Iv been drinking plenty ov water recently and it soooo makes a difference..like my face is shiney shiney and i look fresh? But it does make me piss alot which is really annoying..Its all part ov my new get fit regime..i just need weights now..if anyone has any that i can borrow leme knw!! i dont care wt anyone says muscels on a girl luks sick!

Other than that….13 weeeks left till i turn the BIG 22! Not looking forward to it and check this…i gota day off! were jam packed all week wiv lectures and on my bday i got a day off! woop woop. If ur luky u mite get an invite to my Rainbow themed party!

Byeeeee for now people!

xxx

Christmas decorations, Christmas music the whole jingle jangle me vibe, look whats in my stocking, spirit of love thing, its just all getting abit out of hand. I try to avoid shops with Christmas tress and the fact that its bloody only november and theres trees in windows and “santa stop here or else” signs up, really scares me. I like to think im the Grinch of the family, in a sense i hideout when it comes to talks of Christmas or secret santas. The fact that i do Grinch impressions really well and i love the movie helps too, if anyone can remember back in college i used to have this green jacket called The Grinch coat aswell. (dose were the days) lol.

Ok I’l be totally honest, Christmas is just a cover up..i suppose its because i know im gettin old…because 4 weeks later its my Birthday and i dont like getting old! im gona b 22! 22 years old, i feel like sucha granny, where has the time gone hey? people are already getting married. Its times like these where Burnards watch would come right in handy.

I used to say to every1 im Peter Pan i dont get old but i am, like wen im running to lectures i get cramps! wtf? i never used to get cramps, minus the fact im always pumpin berry, apple or mint flavoured tobacco in to my sistem and Maryland (chicken place)..im flippin weak! And when you meet people from uni and they’v just started, “hi im 18 in 1st year and you” and when you tell them what year your in and then your age, you can tell from their facial expression, their eyes mainly that der thinkin shit i dont wana hang out wiv an oldie. Or sum clever shit will just blatantly say it to your face “Bloody hell ur old!” And thats where it hits right at home,….that crap..you are old. Its no longer acceptable for you to be running around like an idiot in your neighbourhood, have water fights girls V boys, ride a bike around your area or even skip when your shopping with your mum. You get funny looks now and the whisper you accidently hear “Isnt she gettin older now, shouldnt she really be abit more mature?” Those times have gone where you could chill out with mates on your street playing football in the dark, and not get worried about what the aunty-jees would be saying or even your dress sense..it all has to be this new word “respectable”. And dont you just hate it when some clever person would minus how many years you have left until your 30. I dont wana know the calculations you ******!! 

Theres just so much i wana do in my life yet, so much yet to see, so many more people i wana meet. Time just doesnt seem to stop not even for a moment. Were all just so busy with work and university that we dont stop to look back. I imagine everyone at one big train station, people just so worried about themselves, everyones got to be somewhere and somehow noone has any time for another person. Like this elderly woman once told me when i worked in a nursing home, these youthful days dont come again and when they do they fly by and before you know it, someone else is wiping your arse. lol..eee but dey still have their sense of humour tho dnt dey?

So in nutshell what i wana say is make the most of it. I know my dad regrets it sometimes, im not your age fazy, he says, i cant do the things iv always wanted to do that you can still do, thats why iv never stopped you from fulfilling your dreams. And mum, mum has always allowed to me travel, to explore, to be adventurous, y? because they never had the time that we have. I suppose sometimes im sad that im turning 22 and havnt really done anything THAT significant in my life but then again im grateful that i have the intention for making the most of it whilst i can, and you should too.

x

I went to a mehndi the other day…it was soo much fun! It was all girls (cough cough) minus der cameraman filming…so im not quite sure how that works on the halal side ov things. But yeah it was pretty gd..actuli its just everything i wanted in my mehndi. So i could say THE BRIDE STOLE MY IDEAS? like she had the candles, the beautiful stage, the dholi, people? and lots of them. it was just amazing…and her dress had RAINBOW patterns with mirrors!…I want rainbow patterns! i gues i’l go back to the drawing board agen!

Neway..before the mehndi day like a week earlier or so my mum constantly had a go at me at how i should practice a pre-prepared dance for the night and i was just like “yeah yeah course mum” not really realizing what i was agreeing to…So when the night came….well i neva had anything!!. Bt everyone sort of new i was going to dance so i kinda got my self a little ready beforehand..i fort i’d just do anything and im not shy when it comes to the dance floor (wink).My mum only wants me to dance cos she knws im gd tho, and i dont like to brag but i really am lol. i can shake my arse and call it belly dancing and people actully buy it.

But what really kinda surprised me at this mehndi was meeting my friends and them actully saying that they were waiting for ME? to dance. I was lik awwww you guys…but they were like “no serously fazy we’v told our mum you can belly dance so can u just get up there please”..jeesh i felt like the highlight of the evening lol. Like suddenly this mehndi was about me, all eyes on me sorta thing. Like another time e.g. im walking in Trafford centre, and this girl stops me and shes like “its you! its you your that dancer.” im like “eh?” “yeahh your that dancer with the belly dancing moves, you were really good at *****’s party”. Im not that gd bt she actully stopped me to tell me that im a gd dancer…that felt gd i gota say, i also got a bit scared and i think my sister inlaw did too…like thats actully bad if people just remember me for that!

The truth is…it wasnt about me that night even though i busted the best punjabi/ hip hop moves people have ever seen on the dance floor, even though i got applauded and people wanted me back on…it wasnt about me. It was about my mums beautiful friend. She looked stunning! beautiful in yellow, blushing with innocence and all gleaming and stuff. Why do brides glow?…i think its that bloody flood light in your face from the camera.

  This is Her and Him. Beautiful hana?

Anyway…iv started planning my wedding, like the hall, the deco ,the dances, the furniture, the food, the displays i just need wana dem Man things now

xxx

The three of us had agreed to meet up here like we had planned. I’d just come back from leicester hence the suitcase.

These arent no ordinary friends, these are my high school girlies and i love them all to bits..its just a feeling so reassuring that i have friends like these who know me so well and understand the silly person i am. As usual we quickly updated each other on any new clothes we’d baught and any funny stories that had happened since the last time we met. We then got ready and prepared ourselves to go and see an old friend.

We stopped at the house that was a few streets further up. My friend hesitantly knocked on the front door, the dad opened it. We said our Salaams, and quickly walked in and sat in the living room. All three of us sat alone in the room and waited for our friend to come through. I started to shake like i normally do, anxiously waiting. Suddenly a small girl with a headscarf opened the door. We all got up to hug her. I couldnt even recognise this frail girl, with eyes swollen. She hugged us all and started to cry. she cried on my shoulder and being me when i see someone cry, i normally join them. Holding her felt so weird, i rememberd the times we used to hug her everyday back in high school. But this was different and i was just in shock at how skinny my friend had become.

“We’re sorry to hear about your brother”…She wiped her tears and sat down. “Hes gone..hes really gone”. “He was only 28″. I sat next to her and tears filled my eyes, i was just so overcome with emotion that no words could describe. Listening to my friend, my age. My high school beautiful friend who i loved dearly and someone i hadnt seen for years or properly spoken to. I had missed her so much and couldnt understand why i hadnt seen her for ages, why i hadnt made more of an effort to see her. I specially come and see all my high school girls for parties, for weddings, for get togethers. How had i lost contact with this close friend of mine?

 She spoke about about the death, we sat and listened to our friend and i cant even begin to imagine the pain she must be going through right now. Her voice, her eyes filled with so much hurt and pain. For once i was silent, i stayed quiet. I normally have something reassuring to say but instead i sat and cried listening to her. Nothing could prepare me more for what that one hour alone had in store for me. One thing she did say to me that will stay with me forever and somewhat highlights the whole meeting:

“He (brother) baught all his Eid clothes, 2 tops, 2 trousers and 2 pairs of trainers, he was ready and so excited for Eid. But look what he went in…a white cloth Farrah. He went in a white cloth, he never even got to wear his Eid clothes”

How true and yet so perfectly rounded up at how death really is just around the corner. That made me think, it made me think alot about myself, my friends, silly tiffs that i’v had with people. What would people say of me when i die? Would anyone come see me? how will people remember me? Have i really done anything significant in my life to make a difference?

“Surely to Allah (swt) we belong, surely to Him is our return” Ameen.

x

Firstly, yay i actully know what i wana do for my dissertation woop woop! or what i like to call it and some people now copy is my “destination”…because your gona get there at one point, well thats what i like to think.

My dress sense YES! its changing…iv gone back to black (amy winehouse moment?) /beige/brown and basically all the shit colours..i dono i heard your clothes or dress sense reflects your mood and shit rounds it up quite well for me right now :D

“Nooo! heloooo i dont av an accent!”. Despite what a few “friends” might think i dont have an accent. I have been called “mrs posh voice”, ”oi ghoree!”, “weird asian girl” and a “Coconut” before. And i get the odd “I lavvv ur accent!”, “where are you from again?”, and ”woah ur accent”….well i dont fink so mate! iv got the same fucked up accent as der next man from manchester, its nufink special..and this is really bad but i actuli fake it at times, so there you go! …trust me im a paki at heart. Just dont assume cos my vocab doesnt include “i bees walking”, “no wait thats minesss” or “i have sheeps”, does not mean i speak posh..it just means that..well my parents brought me up properly

Iv decided to quit shisha..iv had enough, i thought about it and yeah its true, it really is unhygenic, i mean i dont know where that next man might have had his gob? or all that coal sitting on my lungs, or like how old that water is, or how good the flavour is…(wonders off)…NO FAZY!..yeh im gona stop. And in replacement iv started to get fit? Me and sukhi my house mate have started having these “no lets not start up the shisha, light a fag (she smokes that) or eat junk food” sessions. Iv started “training” instead which sounds posh but really isnt. It just consists of a washing line that i cut up and made in to a skipping rope and a few press ups on the floor. But nevertheless, my body is aching and iv been sweating lika kettle so it seems to be working weil av those abs in no time people!

Tis the monthsss for sad songs, i dont wana listen to them but its weird, why do the songs you never paid attention to before suddenly make sense? and i find myself agreeing to James Blunt how hes saying goodbye my lover and how im like “no Will Young dont leave right now she still loves you!” and yes im not ashamed to admit iv grabbed my hair brush and even busted out a few cat like screams to R. Kelly Turn back the hands off time..how sad..

yeah well thats all for now…other than that keep smiling, keep breathing, because..tomorrow the sun will rise? and..who knows what the tide could bring? lol ok i stole that from a movie! Tom Hanks – Castaway….yeah a film i really wana avoid at the moment, that part where she runs out in the rain “i always knew u were alive” (sob sob)…rite im going!!

Tc..Ur fat biatch Fazy

Ok one last thing before i go cos were keepin it short and mitha…when you go to Primark please dont make a mess. It takes me ages cleaning it up..take for example this:

(Customer chucks two jumpers (because she dnt like em?) on the rail i was tidying up)

Fazy: Erm excuse me..hi yeh please dont chuck them on one side…its taken me ages to clean it up.

Customer: Pfttt..well you never gave me a chance to now did you? (walks away)

Inside Fazys head and not said: Stupid cow….

Fazy: (loud voice) Wel its taken me ages to clean it up so..(interrupted)

Customer: (turns arouns) Its not like its clean here anyway!

Inside Fazys head and not said: wota bitch…

Fazy: Wel theres no need to be rude about it!…(watches customer walk off and sees manager walking up to fazy BUMMER!)

I think its turning in to abit ov an obssession now tho.. i stalk the customers who come in my part of the shop and watch where they put the clothes after they decided they dont want it..im sorry but it takes der piss cleanin it up. Customers are so rude and messy they fling stuff, rip stuff,  step on stuff, open packaging like wtf its not ur dads house so treat Primark wiv respect…( i have no life)  xxx

• To work extra hard
• No more chilling
• No more going out (to legit halal places ov course)
• No more lastmin.com scrambles in the library to do work in for the next day…

this year…is the year of CHANGE!..For too long i have arsed around and been ok? like last year the more and more i got ’not so great’ marks the more it just became acceptable in my head. I know im capable ov getting high marks this year, its just about the effort and concentration. I was proper on the ball in college man! Like im not gona lie right, but i secretly go on MSN whilst in lectures..and sit at the top so i can ava nap or a quick 5 min snooze.  Anyway, i just really wana do well this year not because my dad will kill me if i dont graduate with a good degree but because..im turning in to a right lazy ass..and its gota STOP! (Wish me luck)

Signed: Fazy Ramzan

Date: 02/10/08